Oliver ‘Felix’ Wissenbach
by Stefan Wissenbach
Alex and Camilla, beautifully read, thank you.
Max – thanks for the laughter. It’s truly humbling.
But I sort of realised that was what was going to happen as whilst I was practicing my eulogy in the kitchen and reading it to my wonderful family, having really only got about 10% of the way in, Max asked if I wanted advice now, or at the end. Fortunately, I had the wisdom, and presence of mind, to stop and listen right then to Max. And so, what now follows, is entirely his work.
Today would clearly not be complete without Diana and I paying tribute to our incredible son Oli. We have been so proud of our wonderful family and the strength that everyone has shown leading up to and during this tribute.
We all miss Oli terribly.
It’s only three weeks ago that we lost him. In the same way that so many of you have said that you’ve struggled to find words, so too did I as I sat down to write this tribute. I so desperately want to do him proud but with even a year or more to prepare this tribute, such were his qualities, that I doubt even then I would do him justice.
No father wants to be delivering a eulogy for his son but, kind, thoughtful, brilliant Oli made it easier for me. As you all know now, one of the gifts he left us was his writing on Quora and one of the articles, which I have read many times over the last few weeks, is the one on page 18 of your book - where he details what a successful life would look like. There isn’t a more perfect frame of reference at a tribute than to have a list of what the deceased wanted to be true when they died, and the ability to reflect on that.
The tragedy here is that Oli died too young but, as I will proudly explain today, in those 25 well-lived years he achieved so much that we can all be proud of and learn from.
Traditional eulogies talk about the qualities of the person that passed but I know that today Oli would like me to go one step further. There are so many positive things that come from the time that we spent together and the wisdom that he shared, that it would be remiss of me not to focus on those points today with the hope, and expectation, that each and every one of you will leave today with just one thing that you can do in your life that will make a difference. It’s the best way you can honour Oli.
Before I do that, lets step back in time to 23rd of August 1994.
The day this photo was taken - our first child was born, Oli, who Diana came to refer to as ‘first egg’.
As all of you that are parents here will remember – there’s that bewildered look on our faces where we’re thinking ‘what do we do now?’. We were just 25 – Oli’s age.
Luckily for us we had a gentle child who rarely shouted or cried and would happily entertain himself. He would wake in his cot and just be heard babbling away, never crying or shouting.
He was so relaxed. One morning, just after Oli had moved from a cot to a bed, we woke and couldn’t find him. After running frantically round the house in panic, calling his name desperately, we found him fast asleep under his bed.
He’d fallen out, stayed asleep and rolled back under.
He was a little boy with a huge imagination and curiosity. Fascinated in anything other worldly. Although dyslexic he had no trouble reading and was reading way beyond his years at a young age. This never changed through his life, he continued to be a voracious reader.
He wasn’t a fan of the traditional education system and found it difficult which is why he went on to find different methods to teach, and enjoyed successfully teaching snowboarding, scuba diving and then English to children in the Far East. He kept his students energised and engaged whilst teaching through a computer screen which is not easy. Sometimes we would walk past the room he was teaching in and he’d be on his feet, leaping about whilst animatedly explaining something. He also taught them to cook online, write letters about space missions, and anything else that they had an interest in, just that it all had to be in English so they learned. Clever.
Although hugely independent and a lover of his own space, Oli was highly protective of his family and concerned if either of his siblings or Diana and I had a problem. Calm and wise he would try to help where he could or sometimes just say - do you need a hug Mum? He thought deeply about going away again, concerned about grandparents and family and when he would see people again. I think he was starting to like the idea of settling with someone (probably Spanish) and not moving around so much. Sadly, that wasn’t to happen.
Oli was fiercely independent, always comfortable taking the road less travelled. We’ve always felt that our children should be able to choose their middle names when they reached the age of 21. Oli chose Felix. We never got round to making it official, but he did make it stick by telling everyone at college and then University that his name was Felix.
He was a doer and the world needs more doers. If he decided that he wanted to do something, it was done. Want to change your name to Felix? Done. Want to be a writer? Done. Want to become a diving instructor? Done. You get the idea.
25 years after Oli was born, just a few weeks ago, we went back to that very same house where he was born and here’s a photo.
We’ve reflected back constantly on those 25 years over the last few weeks.
So here’s Oli’s definition of a successful existence that he wrote about.
Striking balance within the following:
Working and playing
Learning and teaching
Following and leading
Humility and confidence
Kindness and formidability
He felt that balance was very important. But was honest enough to admit that this was one of life’s biggest challenges to him achieving his definition of a successful life the end of his days.
Here’s the list he wrote:
The world better because I was here (or at the very least, not worse)
Had a really good time
Was highly competent and respected in my field, for good work
Didn’t fall prey to excess or egotism (or excessive egotism!)
Placed doing good over looking good
Didn’t allow my faults to disproportionately affect my loved ones, in relation to the value I provided
Had a good relationship with drugs and alcohol
Was wise enough that (sometimes) when I spoke it actually helped somebody
Was able to not sweat the small stuff
Saw (and lived in) a variety of places and cultures
Was disciplined in action and thought
As much as possible, did what was right instead of what was easy
Was tolerant (in correct measure) of others
Was a good father
Was a good son
Was a good husband
Was a good friend
Had a dog
Rarely went to supermarkets on weekends
The only two he didn’t achieve were being a husband and father – pretty remarkable at just 25.
Oli had a wonderful sense of humour. Here is a great example. This is an answer Oli gave to a question on an online dating app.
We’ve all seen how wonderfully he can write. But there was also humour in a lot of his writing. As I was looking through some of his draft posts on Quora, I came across this one:
‘WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU SUDDENLY FOUND YOU HAD A SPARE 30 MINUTES?’.
Oli’s answer: Find out what created the spare 30 minutes. Duplicate.
Not only did he write articles – he hand wrote letters – something he favoured over emails or impersonal texts – something that we should learn from. Thinking he was flying to China (which would have been last week) he wrote to his grandparents telling them how much he loved them – a letter they will cherish.
We now understand he intended to write to us all. He appreciated the significance of a hand written letter.
He had character and courage – as a family we always knew what a big heart Oli had and how he was always there for every one of us. Whether it be supporting Max when he had a challenging time at uni, or when we saw Alex tumbling down a ski slope and then saw someone snowboarding really fast to save her, only to realise it was Oli.
His courage began at a really young age. Brian his friend, who’s here today – wrote this about when they were 5:
There is only one person that could hold the position of my first ever friend in the country and that was Oli. Shortly after moving to the UK from Tanzania I joined Ruckleigh and it was there where he was the first one to speak to me and form a friendship that despite the missing years I will forever hold closest to my heart. And it is those years that I deeply, deeply regret, life is a blessing but in times like these it seems very cruel.
He was a special individual and stuck up for me during the tougher times of a transition to a completely new culture and at such a young age where one hasn't built up their defence mechanisms and could easily fall prey to some nasty individuals (young as they were), it was he that was there when such things did happen. That I can never be more thankful for.
Reading that makes us proud.
Oli was a good looking boy - naturally inherited from his father. As Alex said the other day, and you’ll see this from the photographs outside – he had many phases of hair but he managed to look great with every single one, including having none. I hope the same is true for his Dad…
Oli will also be really pleased that I’m reading this extract from a card from one of his favourite yummy mummys from school.
Helen are you here? Here’s what Helen wrote:
We shall miss Oli too – who wouldn’t? He was the whole package, the ‘housewives favourite’ – a complete gentleman, always ready with a warm hug, a winning smile and just an overall light to him that was a total joy to see; more than that he always had a genuine interest and a humility to him despite his film star looks.
The housewives favourite…..Now Oli would be proud.
Many of you have commented on his humility and how he made you feel like you were the only person in the room when he was talking to you.
He also had tremendous discipline and focus – a morning routine that involved writing his journal, reading the Daily Stoic (a wonderful book) and taking a cold shower. I always got the first two, but I’ve always struggled with the third.
He loved adventure, he was a qualified snowboard instructor, diving instructor and loved to travel.
He had a passion for teaching and developed his own interview success programme for Chinese adults interviewing for English speaking jobs. He developed his own online teaching programmes to teach young students English but did so in a completely unique way finding a topic they loved and running lessons in English on that subject. The day he passed away happened to be Chinese National Teacher’s Day and sadly, unbeknown to Oli, his longest serving and favourite student, Alex, with whom Oli had had over 170 online lessons teaching Alex English, recorded this appreciation video for Oli in China.
We have had many communications with his students over the last few weeks, including Alex, and all are heartbroken. If it wasn’t for the complexity of getting a Visa, Alex and his mother would’ve been here today. There are not many teachers that make such an impact.
Oli had a passion for helping people. He loved our family experience of building a school in Malawi.
As a family and with the team at Engagement Multiplier, for the last two years we’ve been discussing building 100 schools in a year – an exciting project that we planned to launch in 2020.
Oli was really engaged in this and made it very clear that he wanted to play a key role in it.
On the morning he died, Alex asked if we could build a school to remember him – something meaningful to come out of something so tragic. I immediately said yes. We also decided, there and then, to accelerate the launch of our 100 schools project and to do so in Oli’s name.
Thanks to the generosity of a number of you in this room, I’m really proud to announce, today, that in just 2 weeks we’ve raised enough money to build Oli’s first school. Donations received yesterday evening took us over the line. I think it’s probably unusual to share tears of joy on the eve of a funeral or tribute but yesterday we did. Thank you.
So, 1 school down, 99 to go. And we will do it.
It’s an amazing experience to build a school with your family, friends or colleagues. If you’d like to be involved in Oli’s project to build 100, there’s a card in your book and a box for cards in the marquee.
We had 25 glorious years with our wonderful son and just a few weeks ago, on the 23rd of August, we all celebrated his 25th birthday together. We shared the 25 things that we love about him. Clearly at that time, we had no idea that we’d all be here today but one small bit of comfort that we get is from knowing that we did tell him how we felt about him. Too much often goes unsaid.
As we’re here together today, united in our grief and sharing an experience which is still very raw, I’m going to read you the unedited list that we shared with Oli.
25 THINGS WE LOVE ABOUT OLI
Cooks a good chicken
Loves a checked shirt
Looks good in a checked shirt
Badgers bum hair (although Mum prefers his curls)
5. His love of a wee dram
6. Doesn’t suffer fools
7. Walks the road less travelled
8. Technical wizard
9. Handsome kind face
10. Love of writing-Moomin always said “long writers hands”
11. Quick wit
12. His rapport with his students
13. Passion for learning
14. Passion for teaching
15. Curious mind
16. Sensitivity and kindness
17. Sense of integrity
18. Brave and calm
19. Focus and discipline
20. Protection and empathy, there when you need him
21. True individual and true to himself
22. Huge inner strength, even when faced with adversity
23. Bonkers sense of humour
24. Bonkers impersonations
25. Love and acceptance of other cultures
And at the time…watch out China, our boys on his way…
Oli wanted to leave the world a better place - which he clearly achieved, but together we have an opportunity to really amplify his wish. The best way to honour someone is to not only hold them in our thoughts – but to take action based on their wisdom and what they taught us. Here’s some thought starters:
Hand write a letter to someone you care about – but send it out of the blue, not because it’s their birthday or an occasion.
Make people feel like they’re the only person in the room when you talk to them. Be interested, not interesting.
When you leave here today, perhaps think about who you love – and why not write and share with them a list of things you love about them.
Perhaps read the Daily Stoic? We are now, every morning.
Ghandi said ‘Live every day as if it were your last but plan as if you’ll live forever’. Oli really lived by that, and our last day together was a great example. Consider applying this approach to your own life.
There are many more great lessons in his book, and I for one will be applying as many of them as I can.
As I wrote in his book of wisdom, he was the man I hope to become.
We are going to have a huge Oli sized gap in our lives forever and we will all miss him terribly. We will hold dear the 25 years of memories we have and cherish the gifts that he gave us. We will continue to talk about him. The Wizzies will always be a family of five and building schools in his name will continue to keep him alive in our hearts whilst doing something he loved and held dear - helping others.
Before I finish with a short film, I’d like to share with you how we would like to close this element of our tribute to Oli today. At the end of the film, you’ll be handed a glass of Oli’s favourite whisky – Yamazaki 12 – from the oldest distillery in Japan. It’s no longer made and it’s not been an easy task getting whisky for 200 people today – but Oli will be pleased that we have.
By all means smell it, and sip a little if you wish, but please save some as we will end this tribute with a toast to Oliver before following him outside to say our final goodbyes.
The ancient Chinese proverb reads:
“The flame that burns Twice as bright burns half as long”
Oli burned brighter than twice as bright, and we shall miss him terribly. Here is a short film that captures some of the magic of our wonderful boy…