The Best Man by The Best Man

by Max Wissenbach

Alex and Camilla, that was amazing. You’re very hard acts to follow so thanks.

Before I get going, they’ve recently implemented a new health and safety system here at Hampton Manor, so the manager asked me to request that none of you stand on your chairs during my standing ovation.

So, best man speech. Let’s get to it then. Witty, charming, intelligent, an all-round great bloke genuinely loved by everyone. But enough about me. I’m here to talk about Oli.

The reason I’m standing up here today is because, over the past few years, the idea of cracking on with life, and things like marriage, must have become more apparent in our minds. Oli joked quite frequently (usually after a few drinks) that he wanted me to be his best man, despite being extremely picky about girls and not having a girlfriend at the time. I mean, that’s not entirely true…. There was this Spanish girl. She was stunning, great fun, had an amazing body too. Plus, she only took 14 minutes to inflate!

Joking aside, I was pretty chuffed that he’d picked me, and I very much looked forward to the day I could stand up in front of a crowd of people who love Oli, and deliver an amazing speech to make everyone laugh. We’d think about all the good, funny, and let’s face it, bad things that made Oli so special. Of course, this is not a scenario I ever thought I’d find myself in, and it breaks my heart that I can’t look Oli in the eyes while I say all this. However, I’ve got the crowd who love him, I’m still his best man, and so I’m here to deliver a jokey best man speech for my brother.

We weren’t always that similar. This meant that in our younger, teenage years we bickered. But only like normal teenage brothers. As we grew up and “matured”, we grew much closer. We saw eye to eye in most cases, and engaged in much more stimulating conversations, usually about how crazy the universe is, but also things like what the world would look like if humans had four legs. (PICTURE) I’m not joking….

So yeah, our conversations were pretty diverse. They swayed between being extremely intellectual, and then downright stupid. But, they were funny, and that was because we both had a very similar sense of humour. Which also means that if you don’t laugh at my jokes, you’re basically saying Oli wasn’t funny.

While I always have and always will look up to Oli as an older brother, in my younger years, I was actually a bit obsessive. I’d wake up really early and stand outside his room and just drop things on the floor in the hopes of waking him up. I’d do this for about an hour or so. You’re probably thinking why were you doing that? Well, the answer is so we could play on his PlayStation. And when I say we, I mean he, because I would sit and watch for hours, while every now and then he’d reassure me I’d get a go soon. I never did.

As brothers, we had the odd tussle. Oli always used to win because he was bigger. Then, I started going to the gym, and funnily enough fights swiftly dried up. Our battles then became verbal, and it was abundantly clear that he read a lot more than I did.

An example of our brotherly rough and tumble which my Grandfather Moley still won’t let go is when he was driving us to school and Oli was playing his Nintendo. I was bored so I decided to steal it, which was pretty dumb because you can’t run very far when you’re in a car. Sooo, he punched me on the nose which was kind of justified and gave me a nosebleed. Naturally, Moley was pretty distracted which meant that he then ran a red light and proceeded to get a ticket. I’m pretty sure he keeps bringing it up, so I’ll offer to pay him back. This was like 12 years ago Moley, let it go.

As we all know, Oli went to Thailand, where he became a divemaster. While there, he not only found himself, but also the importance of checking for an Adam’s apple. As far as we all know, he had no cock-ups…….

On his return, Oli decided on a career change. He began touching, sorry, TEACHING kids who lived in China. He was incredibly dedicated and put so much into his classes, it was sometimes said that he was the most creative and influential in the overseas education industry. Who am I to disagree with mum? But, credit where it’s due, he went above and beyond for his students, and to merely call him a teacher is like calling Michelangelo a decorator.

Of course, I couldn’t possibly finish my best man speech without making any reference to the lucky girl? This time, she’s gorgeous, intelligent and not inflatable. I hope you’re having fun up there with your señorita Oli, I know that’s your idea of paradise.

*look at watch* OK, so I’ve only got 3 minutes left and I usually need that time for applause, so I’m gonna have to stop here. Dad’s up next and I’ve been giving him loads of advice for his nerves so please go easy on him. Oli, I went easy on you this time mate. See you somewhere else brother.